Cocky Roach
by difficile
Summary: The Strahl is having a bit of an insect problem, much to Balthier's chagrin...and phobia. Everyone else isn't all that pleased, either, except for a certain blonde thief.
1. Balthier

_**A/N: I was in my dorm's bathroom one morning and noticed a gross little cockroach. I'm not like most girls – meaning that I don't scream and think the world will end once I see a little bugger like that. I actually find them entertaining to watch. And as I was watching him scurry around at 1am, I suddenly got hit with the idea of writing this little drabble.**_

_**I named my cockroach friend Jim and I saw him the next morning too (I didn't bother squishing him...), or at least I thought I did. It wasn't until I found out where they all spawned (in a small drain by the skin where I saw four antennae) that I realized, "UM, EW."**_

_**I think that's a bit TMI for you guys, though, isn't it? Hehe… Enjoy. There will be more chapters coming up. ;)**_

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**Cocky Roach, Chapter One**

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It was Vaan who noticed it first – as a bit of an insomniac, he spent most of his night hours with wide-open eyes staring up at the ceiling of his room in the _Strahl_. So naturally he took notice to more things of the night life than the other five members aboard the airship. Penelo, although a light sleeper, usually fell into dream-land as soon as her head hit the pillow. Balthier was always set on getting his beauty sleep. Basch used his rest as means of escape, allowing his subconscious to drift him away from the thoughts that usually plagued his mind. Fran meditated most of the time before falling into comatose. And Ashe typically pondered, worried, and contemplated herself to the point of absolute exhaustion, until Vaan was the only one wide-awake and full of wild adrenaline.

But Vaan didn't like that; he wanted sleep. Dreams released him into another realm full of opportunities and experiences like no other. It was a mystery how he even managed to properly function during that day; if it wasn't for those energy drinks he stashed in his room from his trips to Lowtown, Vaan would most likely be a sluggish, obscure lump that everyone would detest….more.

Rarely, however, Vaan managed to grab about an hour or so of sleep – rarely.

Tonight was, predictably, not one of those nights. Not even the _Strahl's _low murmur could soothe the teen's frazzled nerves. And the Gods know that reading certainly didn't help Vaan relax, despite Penelo's suggestions.

With a heavy sigh, Vaan swung his legs over the edge of the bed and touched the cold floor with his bare feet. _Maybe a little walk through the Strahl will help calm me down_, he thought. Clad in just plain white boxers, Vaan stumbled towards the nearby light switch and squinted as the brightness hit his eyes. It didn't take him long to adjust, and once he did, the blonde noticed a small little black _blob_ scurry from one corner of the room to under his bed.

Vaan quirked a thin, blonde brow. _Great, bugs. Just what I need right now._ He sighed, approaching his bed again. He got on his knees and leaned down, lifting up the bedskirt and searching with narrowed eyes for his unwanted visitor.

_Aha!_ he smirked, spotting the fidgety pest. The antennae were moving around quickly, attempting to scent its anticipated aggressor. Vaan watched it for a moment in silence, fully aware of the 2,000 individual lenses in the insect's eyes that were staring right at him. Being from the slums of Rabanastre and a regular in Lowtown, Vaan saw absolutely nothing wrong with cockroaches – in actuality, he found them quite fascinating, much to Penelo's dismay. It wasn't out of character for Vaan to approach Penelo at Migelo's shop with a little cockroach perched on his finger.

"It's been a while since I've seen some of you pests. The last place I would expect to see you would be in Balthier's ship," Vaan muttered to himself, quickly reaching out a hand and grabbing the cockroach in his fist. He wasn't going to squish it; certainly not in his palm at least. He could feel the thousands of little hairs brush across his palm as the cockroach scurried helplessly in his grasp.

Vaan stood back up again and approached his bedroom door. He grasped the knob with his other hand and opened it, stepping out onto the cold metal floor of the _Strahl_. The teen looked around with a crooked expression on his face. _How to get rid of you…?_ Vaan thought quietly. He didn't want cockroach guts on him, so squishing it now was out of the question; and he'd certainly wake everyone up if he exited the airship, making a fool of himself in the process considering he was in just underwear.

It was then that Vaan's eyes lit up and his previous little smirk returned as an idea hit him like a brilliant revelation. Quietly he padded down the corridor of the Strahl, passing several bed rooms in the process. _Penelo, Ashe, Basch, Fran_… Vaan counted silently to himself before stopping outside a certain sky pirate's door.

_Balthier._

He checked the opening at the bottom of the door; no lights were on. Good. Kneeling down, Vaan opened his palm by the bottom edge of the wood and opened his grasp, allowing the cockroach to dash out and blindly run from its captor and into the dark room.

"Sweet dreams, Balthier…" Vaan whispered to himself as he dusted his hands off and headed back to his room.

Vaan turned out to get a good sleep that night, a grin on his face all the while as he dreamt.

--

The morning sun stretched its pastel fingers across the horizon and bathed the Strahl in its gentle light. Outside the world was quiet, save for the quiet chirping of the birds just emerging from their own sleep. Everything around seemed too tranquil to be real…

And it instantly shattered with a surprised and rather elongated scream that bounced off the walls of the airship. It was not shrill, so it was rather obvious that it didn't come from any of the ladies aboard the ship.

Hearing the scream himself, Vaan opened his eyes and chuckled as he instantly registered the source of what awoke him. He stayed in his bed, waiting for his little scheme to unfold without his presence. His ears perked up and he strained to hear anything else.

Doors opened, and one by one heads peeked out, everyone's eyes barely open.

It was Ashe who spoke first. "What is the matter? Who was screaming?"

Vaan, in the privacy of his own room, chortled wholeheartedly to himself. He stopped soon though, to hear the rest.

"Yeah, is someone hurt?" Penelo chimed in.

Vaan heard the sound of stiletto heels click on the floor and wondered what Fran was thinking.

"It came from in here," her accented voice barely reached Vaan's ears; she was outside Balthier's door.

"From Balthier's room—" Basch had started.

"Bloody pest! Disgusting vermin! Get out, get _out_!"

Hearing this, Vaan laughed out loud in triumph and sprung up, putting on a nearby undershirt and opening his door just in time to see Balthier's own door fling open and the shirtless sky pirate violently brushing at his exposed chest. Vaan had to turn his head and clutch his mouth to keep himself from rolling on the floor in pure amusement. He could only imagine the look on Balthier's face when he discovered the cockroach that was, apparently, on his chest.

The six of them watched the 'pest' fall to the floor on its back and scuttle around helplessly. They were all silent, save for Balthier's annoyed, heavy breaths. All eyes still remained on the cockroach before a loud crunching sound was heard as a merciless stiletto heel came crashing down on the insect, killing it instantly. Eyes then travelled up to the vexed viera, who turned to her slightly flushed partner.

"I trust you will clean this up. I believe you owe it to us for waking the whole airship all over a simple insect," Fran indirectly demanded before lifting her heel and exposing the destroyed remains of the cockroach. Balthier muttered under his breath something about cracks in the wall and put his head down to hide the light pinkness in his cheeks. Penelo cringed at the disgusting sight and Ashe just quirked a brow, while Basch and Fran just turned silently back to their rooms; the other two followed suit. Vaan looked around and caught Balthier's expression, grinning to himself.

"Have fun," Vaan gave him a slight wave before turning on his heel and heading back to his room. The deserted sky pirate with a curled lip glared at the dead insect, not looking forward to cleaning up the spilled guts at all.

_Since when did we have cockroaches…? And where the bloody hell are my gloves? _he thought begrudgingly.

The rest of the day, Balthier was not in his highest of spirits. Vaan, however, was just the opposite. In fact, he was already planning another little scheme aimed towards the sky pirate again. Now that he knew of the high class standards of Balthier and his newfound phobia of cockroaches, Vaan had quite a few upcoming tricks brewing in his head.

But first he had to get to Lowtown…

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	2. Fran

_**A/N: Glad you all enjoyed the first chapter of this little fic. Please continue to review and tell me what you think.**_

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**Cocky Roach, Chapter 2:**

**Fran**

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Vaan smirked inwardly to himself as he exited the Aerodome of Rabanastre. _Could this be any more perfect?_ he thought to himself as he jogged away from the walking group.

"_If we're gonna continue with our hunts, we should prob'ly to re-stock on equipment and medicine. Rabanastre is the closest place – and besides, Migelo'll give us a discount on anything." Vaan had insisted that very day to the party. With a small grunt as a reply, the begrudged Balthier changed course and headed to the city of Rabanastre._

_It took a lot of willpower to keep Vaan from chuckling mischievously in his chair during the whole ride there._

Lowtown was just the place Vaan needed to go to continue his little escapade that was just too amusing to cease. The blonde took the long way to get to Lowtown, avoiding the entrance that was right by Southgate and entering it from the North End; he didn't want anyone to get suspicious or follow him. The first place he assumed Balthier would go is the Sandsea – he still seemed a bit scarred from the early morning experience, so most likely a few mugs of Madhu would do him good. Ashe and Basch usually tended to lay low, so Vaan trusted that they wouldn't be strolling around so openly. Fran usually ended up wherever Balthier was – but considering that they both were in a little spat that day, Vaan thought that the Viera would most likely be in the Bazaar or in the weaponry shop.

And Penelo… well, she was someone he had to avoid at all costs. His best friend was sharp; she knew when he was up to no good. So, keeping an eye out for a familiar blonde girl, Vaan snuck down to Lowtown and walked around.

Blue eyes scanned the premise. Vaan knew what he wanted – bugs. A lot of them. And Lowtown, no doubt, was the perfect place to go if one wanted any. The only problem, and Vaan realized this in mid-step, was that he had nowhere to keep these insects that he planned on gathering that day. Damn straight he wasn't going to carry five species of bugs in his pants – Vaan had his limits.

With a slight frown, the teen searched around for anything in Lowtown that could carry an array of insects.

Lowtown wasn't called _Low_ for the mere reason of it being a civilization under Rabanastre. The inhabitants fell under the category of low as well, from Hume to Bangaa, Seeq to even Viera. So naturally there were many drinkers and drug-users of all kinds. It didn't take Vaan long to locate several chewing tobacco containers and empty glass alcohol bottles that littered the worn cobblestone paths of Lowtown, all of them perfect sizes for filling with "bloody pests".

Vaan chuckled openly to himself as Balthier's scream echoed through his mind again. _Priceless_. With five assorted cartons cradled in his arms, the blonde began his new hunt. He already had in mind who he wanted to scare next – and it wasn't going to be easy… But that made it fun.

Fran.

She was sharp, quick-witted, devoid of humor, and no-nonsense. It was going to take a lot more effort to fool a wise Viera than it would an aristocratic (politically correct form of "sissy") sky pirate. He'd have to acquire quite a bug…

Vaan contemplated his options quietly to himself as he wandered through Lowtown. He saw several beetles scurry across the path, but he ignored them; they were harmless… not that harming Fran was Vaan's intention, but the Viera was wise. Vaan wouldn't be surprised if Fran knew every bug species in Ivalice.

He needed connections if he wished to acquire something outlandish enough to fool a Viera.

And connections he had…

Stumbling upon this epiphany, Vaan changed his course and jogged towards the southwest end of Lowtown. It wasn't until he approached a door by the entrance of Southgate did Vaan stop for a moment. Not one to bother with trivial etiquette, the blonde gripped the handle and burst in without so much as a knock into Old Dalan's place. And as if the man knew when Vaan was coming, the blonde was instantly greeted as soon as he stepped in.

"Vaan. My my, what a surprise. 'Tis been a while, eh? What do I owe for such a rare visit?" the smirking elder chortled as he set eyes on the familiar teen. Vaan scratched the back of his head and leaned against a nearby wall lined with grime and aged cracks.

"Hey Old Dalan," Vaan replied, waving slightly as he tried to maintain his hold on the many empty cartons in his hand, "Long time no see, I know. Look, I was wondering…"

"Always one to get straight to the point, aren't you boy?"

Vaan resisted the urge to narrow his eyes in distaste at being called 'boy'. Instead he ignored the comment and continued. "You seem to know a lot, so… You know where I can find any good, creepy bugs?"

Dalan didn't so much as blink, though he seemed a little put-off by the question. "I am flattered, Ratsbane, that you acknowledge me as one who knows a lot. However, what makes you think I have a collection of bugs?"

Vaan blinked.

"Do you or don't you?"

His reply was another hoarse laugh from the silver-haired man. "I may have a few. Dare I ask you what would give you the incentive to acquire such pests?"

Once again Vaan was silent, putting a finger to his lips before fishing out a vague but sufficient answer.

"…A new hobby."

It was Dalan's turn to fall into a small moment of silence, finding it most suspicious that the impish thief would resort to such a hobby as bug collecting. The Vaan he knew had a lust for thieving and occasionally pantsing Imperials. However, the old man chose not to request an elaboration, and instead stroked his beard in a contemplative manner.

"I may have something for you then, boy. Put down those cartons and go to the left cupboard. The left – the _left_, Vaan." Dalan explained, a silver eyebrow twitching in slight vexation. Once Vaan had located the left cupboard, he opened it without trepidation. Dalan smirked slightly as he saw the expression on Vaan's face change from deadpan to amazed.

"_Woah_."

"Did it meet your expectations?"

Vaan didn't respond. His blue eyes remained fixated on the myriad of glass jars varying in shapes and sizes, each one inhabited by the most unusual insects Vaan had ever seen. A lynx spider with nine legs, ornamented with a sleek black sheen and neon-colored spots; something that resembled a rhinoceros beetle, but with two horns instead of one; a large Imperial Moth that was currently feeding upon a tattered piece of silk; an obscenely large moth…

And the biggest cockroach Vaan had ever seen. His eyes sparkled and he neared the container it was in, silently marveling at its size and overall creepiness. It must have been at least seven or eight inches long. He couldn't help it; Vaan burst out laughing as he heard the already anticipated screech from Balthier as a scenario played out in his head.

"I'll take them. I'm not even gonna ask how you get 'em all, but I'll take the whole load."

Dalan drummed his fingers against the sides of his ivory chair. "All of them?"

Vaan turned to the elder, grinning. "Wouldn't you like these pests off your hands?"

"I suppose so." Dalan replied before releasing a sigh. "Go on, Vaan. Take them all and have fun with your... hobby."

Pumping his fist in the air, Vaan carefully piled one container on top of the other until all five were cradled in both arms. "Thanks a bunch, Ol' Dalan!" the blonde called as he hurried out, leaving the silver-haired man all alone again.

"Oh, how youth is wasted on the young," he sighed fondly.

Vaan hurried through Southgate all the way to Westgate, hoping to beat the rest of the group on the Strahl so he could find a place to stash his new collection. It took a lot of willpower to keep himself from grinning ear to ear as he entered the Aerodome and to the Strahl's hangar, taking note that no one was around. Taking two steps at a time, Vaan jumped up the stairs and into the airship, immediately walking towards his room.

_Under my bed… No one ever comes in here anyway._ Vaan contemplated as he entered his small room. Gingerly he put the containers down and lifted the bed skirt before sliding all his new friends underneath.

"You'll like it here… I promise. At night it's the best. We'll be having a _lot_ of fun together." Vaan smirked at the creatures before allowing them to rest in darkness again.

--

Night had fallen hours later in Rabanastre, and everyone was already in their own room by ten o'clock sharp after a day of restocking and relaxation, save for Balthier. He was doing his nightly patrol through the Strahl, though this evening was different; his eyes not only scanned the controls and doors, but the floors, the walls, and every little crevice to make sure no bloody pests made their way into his precious airship ever again. Balthier repeated this twice before convincing himself that the incident would not be repeated.

Once his obsessive-compulsive check was complete, the paranoid brunette retired to his room, hoping to calm himself by reading.

Vaan, too, was locked in his room, practically bouncing on his bed in pure anticipation at what he was going to do. He had no idea if Fran fell asleep at night, or if she rested early in the morning. He figured that he'd play it safe and wait until midnight.

_In the meantime, who should I pick?_ Vaan thought to himself, jumping off the bed and peeking under to study the restless insects. His eyes first landed first on the lynx spider; its colors made it so unique, but its extra leg gave it an off-balance walk. Vaan was quite fond of lynx spiders – they hunted like cats, hence the lynx in their name, and their unusually long hairs looked like tiny spikes attached to their legs. Interesting creatures, they were, though Balthier would most likely disagree.

"I think you'll do for tonight." Vaan grinned, cupping the container. He was well aware that lynx spiders bit – however, they only have a select few affects on Humes. He highly doubted a Viera warrior would be harmed if the spider bit her.

Vaan leaned back against his bed and studied the constant movements of the spider, grinning all the while.

The two hours passed by painstakingly slow, but Vaan managed to keep himself sane until midnight; by that time his hands were shaking in pure excitement. He never would have fathomed that playing pranks on such a serious crew with mere bugs would give him such entertainment, but to each his own. Carefully Vaan opened the plastic container and cupped the spider in his hands tightly to keep it from pouncing on him. With skill, Vaan managed to open his door quietly and pad down the hall, passing each door with silence.

_Penelo, Ashe, Basch…_

_Fran._

Vaan paused in front of the Viera's door, swallowing to himself. For all he knew, Fran could be wide-awake and hearing every breath Vaan took in and released… or she could be dead asleep.

Vaan hoped for the latter as he pressed his ear against the door. He could hear nothing, which wasn't bad, but at the same time gave him no reassurance whatsoever of his plan.

_Here goes nothing… _he thought, opening the door quietly and tossing the lynx spider in the dark room without so much as a second thought. Just as quickly as he entered, Vaan shut the door quietly and sprinted down the hall, into his room, and into his bed. He could hear his heart in his ears, pounding wildly as he realized what he just did.

Vaan slept with another grin on his face that night.

--

Much to Vaan's disappointment, he did not wake up to the sound of a shrieking Viera; but such was expected. After getting fully dressed, Vaan stretched before combing his fingers through his blonde locks and strolling from his room. He walked past Fran's room and heard nothing, and with a slight frown Vaan made his way to the control room.

The first thing the thief noticed on entering was that Fran was missing; she was usually up and taking care of the controls with Balthier. However, such was not the case. Basch, Ashe, Penelo, and Balthier were all seated in their normal places, and quietly Vaan did the same.

"We're taking off early today?" Vaan asked Balthier.

"If we expect to make any notable progress on these trivial hunts, then yes, we must get used to departing rather early."

Vaan relaxed back in his chair and stared at the empty co-pilot seat. "Where's Fran?"

"I was wondering that too," Penelo chimed in. Balthier merely shrugged as he started the prodigious airship.

"Most unlike her to sleep in, if I do say so myself. But I'll let her rest for the time being, though it's beyond me how she could possibly sleep through this racket." The sky pirate explained as the Strahl lifted itself off the group and out of the hangar.

As usual, Basch and Ashe remained silent as the airship flew. Vaan and Penelo would occasionally break out in sibling-like spats before Balthier berated them for their childishness.

Just a regular day.

But Vaan still couldn't take his eyes off the empty co-pilot chair. Was Fran all right? Did Vaan kill her with the terrifying lynx spider?

The sound of approaching footsteps that were unmistakably Fran's reached Vaan's ears and he sighed quietly to himself, turning around and watching as the austere Viera approached her co-pilot chair.

_Well, she's not dead, but she looks like she's about to kill someone._ Vaan noted.

Fran stopped right by Balthier's seat. The brunette barely acknowledged Fran, too indulged in the control's of maintaining the Strahl's balance through the turbulance to turn around and greet her. He merely nodded his head once.

Fran did not reply. It took Vaan a while to finally notice the large lynx spider attached to her long, dark finger – and realizing this, Vaan sighed again in relief. At least it didn't hurt her, though he wondered what her reaction was or how she found it.

"I suppose you think your jests are amusing, am I correct?" Fran spoke to her partner, not seeming bothered at all by the spider hanging from her finger. Vaan thought she was talking to him at first, and he looked up, only to be all the more confused as he found Fran looking right at Balthier.

Absentmindedly Balthier listened, still fixing the controls. "What are you referring to, Fran?"

"I honestly thought you more mature, Balthier. Getting revenge by fueling the fire does not ease tension." Fran continued, waiting for Balthier to register her words. With an annoyed sigh Balthier turned to his partner.

"What are you going on ab—"

Balthier had started his question but froze as his eyes landed on the large spider wriggling around on Fran's finger. Hazel eyes widened slightly and the sky pirate found himself completely devoid of words.

"Finding this unwanted visitor in my room did not amuse me in the least bit. If this is how you get your revenge for cleaning up the remnants of pests on this airship, I'm going to have to make a certain point to you before you consider it again."

Balthier blinked, hands trembling slightly on the Strahl's steering mechanism. "Fran, I believe there has been a misunder-"

Stopped in mid-sentence, Balthier jerked the steering control sharply to the left as Fran nonchalantly placed the spider on the side of his neck. Try as he might, Balthier could not fight down the surprised yelp as the little hairs grazed across his skin. The passengers of the Strahl were jerked around violently as Balthier let all control of the airship go, completely frozen as the lynx spider ran across his hair, down the other side of his neck, and all around his arm. Vaan wished more than anything that he could see the expression on his face.

Fran rolled her eyes discreetly, grabbing her paralyzed partner and tossing him aside to her own seat as she took control of the airship. It wasn't long before Balthier sprung to life and turned, sprinting out of the room with another yelp. Faintly Vaan could hear Balthier slapping one of his arms as the spider found its way under his shirt cuffs and onto bare skin.

"P-pests! Where are they coming from?!" Balthier growled, Vaan easily detecting the strain in his voice as the sky pirate tried not to screech again. With a slight grin, Vaan leaned back against his seat and covered his mouth, disguising his laughter as a cough.

"I do not understand what this is all about. It was just a mere insect." Ashe commented rather gruffly, and Vaan could detect the disappointment in her voice; obviously she had expected more from Balthier.

Another idea came into Vaan's head on hearing Ashe's voice, and he stumbled upon the realization that the princess would make quite a good couple with one of his dear moths.

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_**A/n: Review.**_


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